Prologue for the Book

It has been 6 months of looking after Aleeshya and all I know is that I am exhausted, my work quality has started to deteriorate and my wife is at the brink of passing out from fatigue and our wonderful little girl is still a handful. Am I doing something wrong here or do other fathers also go through this? So, off I went to a major bookstore near my workplace in search for a book on a father’s experience in juggling work, spouse and child. There I am at the parenting section, 5 shelves full of books on parenting - 6 rows per shelf and a about 40 books per row. “Excellent. There is bound to be something here”, I say to myself. Alas, of the 1,200 books on parenting, there were only 3 books relevant to fatherhood experiences. Hence, I bought all 3 and also set myself on track to putting down my personal experiences in the hope that other fathers like me might not feel so alone, frustrated and guilty during this irreplaceable period of their life.

The book is not meant to be a guide on raising children. It is a book on the myriad experiences of a new dad and the jumble of emotions he feels as he plods through the first six months of his daughters life. It is hoped that by sharing his experiences, other new dads who have no clue of what to do need not feel guilty for their feelings of frustration. Any facts described in the book is either from personal experiences or secondary information from friends and family.

Should I Or Shouldn't I

Husband: Recently, I have been thinking about writing a book.

Wife: So, what do I know about writing a book?

Husband: Absolutely nothing.

Wife: What will you write about then?

Husband: About our experiences raising baby girl ... but a little skewed towards what fathers go through.

Wife: You sure someone wants to read about that?

Husband: I don't know. I know I would. However, no one seems to have written much about it. So, should I?

- What do you think? -

p.s. The conversation transpired completely in the author's mind and is in no way a reflection of his loving albeit somewhat exhausted wife.

Shopping Advice

We are back in Malaysia for various reasons. Am so loving it and can't wait for my sentence in Mumbai to be over. Needless to say, one of the first two things I could think of upon arrival was nasi lemak and shopping. However, being a recent first time parent, shopping revolved around getting stuff for our daughter. So we decided to visit Baby Land in PJ in search for some baby food since we have just started Aleeshya on solids.

There we were getting baby food as I passed a couple (of soon to be parents) getting advice from the shop assistant on the Phillips Avent Breast Pump. Of course, me being me, I just couldn't help myself but stop and give my two bit worth of advice on it. After all, I felt obligated to say something after all the problems we had with it, especially after the manufacturer refused to honour the warranty citing mishandling of the equipment on our part. Nonetheless, I think I was fair to Phillips as I suggested to the couple that they should have someone teach them how to use the pump properly lest they end up having the same issues with both the pump and the manufacturer as we did.

We had recommended that they should rent the Madella Lactina from Mamalink if they wanted to have a dependable breast pump machine. The would be mother was so excited that she immediately called them up and made an appointment to visit them that very day itself. While we never did bother to know who they were, we felt truly happy that we had helped reduce the stress and anxiety of that couple. After all, expressing milk is extremely stressful, filled with a roller coaster ride of emotions for the mother and for the father too as he finds ways to be emotionally supportive to his wife.

A Working Getaway

It has been one crazy week. The Delhi trip went well - work wise, although my baby had stopped feeding well. It had been a crisis on both fronts and juggling it had been stressful and draining at the same time. As if that wasn't bad enough, the fog in Delhi seemed to have conspired to ruin everything I hold dear in my life. Thankfully all went well enough, thanks to an understanding boss, a helpful colleague and an accommodating wife.

Chennai went much better and I must admit it is a much nicer place than Bombay, for me at least. The roads are better and we are not so anxious about taking our little darling around the city. Before you know it, the craziness of the whole trip is over and so is the little break I had after that.

Now we are back home and I am dreading the drudgery of Bombay life, the city that is so in your face that anyone would feel claustrophobic and desensitised over time. Glad it is only a year left to go. Both mother and daughter have fallen asleep. Thankfully, mummy is far more efficient than daddy, since she had been on her feet getting everything sorted out without a moments rest.

I definitely have to spend much more time at home at least in the evenings and hence will need to figure out how best to reschedule my working life.

Well thats all for now. Next working trip is Goa.

-pshasi

A New Year, A New Beginning

It is the 5th of January 2010. It is amazing how the decade has passed and how much life has changed. In 2000, I was alone and depressed for reasons only my closest family and friends know why. In 2010, I am married to a wonderful woman and am also blessed with a darling of a daughter.

The new year has brought across the shores of Malaysia, for we (Vasantha, Aleeshya and I) have finally moved to Mumbai. As I look from the dining table over to the hall where Aleeshya is fast asleep, I cannot help be grateful to God for the miracle that we call children. Aleeshya is a bundle of joy to us and no matter how exhausted we are, her innocent smile never seizes to energise us in our care for her. Aleeshya is slowly starting to stir, so I best end this entry for now.

Until next time, laters all.

-pshasi

First Day At Work

It has been 6 days since I first checked into the hospital with my wife in expectation of our child's birth. Monday has now come and it is time to get back to a fairly long backlog of work to catch up on. Although I have had my fair share of "lazy to go to work" days, today seemed different. I wanted to stay back and spend the day with my wife and child, but logic overran emotion and off I went to work. It was not till later that evening, when a colleague of mine asked me how I felt leaving my child, did it really hit me how hard it was for me to really do so.

However, with a clear focus to get back home to my wife and child, my focus at work had never been sharper. With a clear drive to address as much work as I could, I had accomplished much and off I was for some home shopping (list provided by my wife) by 9pm.

Once home and exhausted, I imagined some rest and play (with my child) would be possible. Instead, I was directed on various tasks that needed to be done while my wife was feeding our baby. On other days, I would be sullen and grouchy, complaining as to being tired and having asked to do more work upon my return. Not this time though.

Maybe it had to do with seeing my wife being under the scalpel or maybe it had to do with a greater appreciation with the tasks she now has. Not sure what it is, but all I know is that I have to help her out as much as I can... and more importantly, I more than want too, given that I know she too is exhausted.

It is 1am now and soon it will be my wife's turn to stay mildly attentive and look after the baby (not like that has been what I am doing earlier)... hooray. Anyways another day another journey filled with adventure, learning, excitement and anxiety.

-pshasi

A Treasure Is Born

September 11th shall be remembered for many reasons. While the World Trade Centre went down in ashes 8 years ago and irrevocable changed our world in more ways than we realise, September 11th, 2009 is arguably the most treasured day of my life. It is the day my wife and I had our first child.

It is hard to believe that she and I are now responsible for another human being. There are no feelings to express the love that one can have for ones child. It is an experience and a blessing to be treasured always.

The past 2 days since she has been born has seemed surreal in many ways, with a mixture of emotions to confuse even the most rationale of beings - euphoria of having a child that everyone says is a replica of me; anxiety of not knowing whether what you're doing is right or wrong; exhaustion as the demands of being there for mother and child starts to slowly take its toll; and fear that the sins of the father comes to haunt that of the child.

Above it all, the one overriding emotion (if you could call it that), is that of protectiveness. The need to keep her safe from harm is so overpowering that it seems to cloud my judgment and I fear I may spoil her in the process of wanting to keep her safe.

As I express my emotions here, I cannot even begin to imagine how my wife must be feeling much less going through. Still recovering from the operation, she is also learning how to look after a child. Nonetheless, while one would expect her to be exhausted and resting, she has the energy through it all to pick herself up and look after our child (as I comfortably sit at the hospital lounge writing this blog).

Truly mothers are the most amazing people in this world. Only now, after being a father (even if it has only been 2 days) do I understand the importance of articulating that appreciation for a mother who has the strength and love for a child few fathers could ever beat.

Life truly does begin to have a very different meaning to it with the existence of one's child. Career, ambition, purpose, calling - these all pale in comparison to that of the drive I seem to have now to achieve all of the above for the sole purpose of my child. In sharing the raising of our child

Anyways, enough ramblings for one day. Back to seeing how wifey is keeping with our darling.